The reason for the season

Last Sunday my son filled in for the scripture in primary.  The theme for the month is of course the birth of Jesus Christ.  So I had him read out of 2 Nephi (the Book of Mormon) 19:6.  (It is also found in Isaiah 9:6--Nephi's brother Jacob loved Isaiah and his writings and quotes him a lot.)

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." 

This year I will have to draw on this scripture a lot.  Because the Savior was born it started the process of saving us.  Not only saving us spiritually but also physically.  He knows how hard it has been for me to overcome grief and he knows that the road ahead will still be hard.  He has walked this road already and is again walking it with me and my family.  He died so he could break the bands of death.  He died so my son would live again.  He died so each of my children would live again.  He died so that I could live again and also my husband.  But first he had to live.  And he did. 

I am trying to love this season and all the joy that is there.  But it is hard when there will be someone missing from all the activities.  But in reality he will be there and is there when the need arises. 

I love my Savior and the sacrifice He made for me and my family so we can be together forever.

O Holy Night

The Piano Guys ft Craig Aven

Overcoming the Natural Man

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

--Mosiah 3:19

The Book of Mormon

Since my son’s death, this has been the scripture that has continually gone through my mind.  I always thought that this scripture was talking about not sinning and that sort of thing.  But since that awful day, I have come to realize that this scripture is talking about so much more.

When your child dies you think of all the things he will miss out and in turn you will miss out on.  Because of some very sacred things that happened the week of Carsen’s death, I know that he is happy, and all is well with him.  Me on the other hand, not so much. 

Sunday night we attended an Eagle Court of Honor for one of his friends (our families are good friends).  I knew it would be hard but didn’t realize how hard it would be and how that affect me.  In only the style of the young man that was honored, it was short.  We left right after the amen.  We bolted is a better way to put it.  I cried the whole 5-minute drive home and the crying continued and off for over 24 hours.  I felt cheated.  I would never see my son receive that honor.  He was just starting the paper work for his project.  I was mad and so many more emotions.  The next day I could only wear my contacts for about 4 hours (and that was pushing it) due to how dry my eyes were.  Who knew they could get so dry with so much moisture coming from them.  Now please understand that I am so proud of the young man who received his Eagle.  He worked hard and earned that honor.  And he is amazing young man.  But my mama heart broke all over again and it started an avalanche of all the things I am going to miss out on.  Once again, this scripture came to mind.  I am looking at this with my earthly natural eyes.  Not from an eternal perspective.  If I looked at it with eternal eyes, then I would see all the things I won’t miss out on and what really is important.  An Eagle rank is important, but he is earning a different Eagle rank.  A mission is important, but his mission is just different (I will post about that tantum another time).  School dances are important, but they really aren’t be all, end all things we make them out to be.  Soccer (or whatever sport you love) is important, but he is just playing in a different way.  And I do believe he is with his teammates a lot of the time.  They weren’t just friends, they had a brotherhood and support each other.  So many things that I feel cheated on I have to change my perspective and realize I have not been cheated.  It will not happen over night and I am pretty sure will take the rest of my life to change.  But for now, I must be content with the fact that Carsen is happy and is doing amazing things on the other side of the veil.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I just need to cry.  Two songs that sum up this week were songs people sent me.  And both are truly profound and spot on.   

Blessings

Just Let Me Cry

September 28, 2018

So, this picture popped up on my screen saver.  The picture is blurry, but you can see how determined he was.  He was like this with most things.  But when it came to soccer he played hard.  When he was 10 Branden and I thought maybe he could be good in this sport.  So, we made the decision to change leagues.  I ran the one he was in, in our small town.  We moved him to an incorporated YSO league.  The first game was brutal.  And we thought that maybe he wasn’t as good as we thought.  His coach said, “give him a couple of games and you will see a different player.”  That coach was right.  Coach Mike showed him how to play the game and love it.  We are forever indebted to him for that.   That was the year we joined our first soccer family.  The Strikers are a special group of boys.  They are growing into good young men.  They are still teenage boys who probably do dumb things, but those boys will always be my soccer boys and family.  I can’t wait to see what they do. 

The next group we joined was the Safford Bulldogs.  That was another difficult decision to make.  We live in Pima and were and are Roughriders.  He loved that school, but half way through 7^th grade we decided to move to Safford, so he could play soccer.  Pima doesn’t have a team.  It was rough, and he sometimes thought he made the wrong choice.  But then 9^th grade came, and he started playing with JV and Varsity.  He was where he belonged.  I loved seeing him play.  Most of the boys on his Striker team were now on the Bulldog team.  We also added the rest of the team to our ever-growing soccer family.  The day after Carsen died this team came to our home.  Tears and hugs were given.  To this day when any of the boys sees me they come and ask how I am and if I need anything they are there.  They are incredible respectful, and I truly love these boys.  It will be hard to watch the season and not see my boy, but I do look forward to seeing them play. 

September 27, 2018

It has been a little while, but that is about right for me.

Writing has never been something that I was good or really enjoyed.  But when you need to get your feelings you write.  Let’s face it, I can only talk to myself for so long before people think I should be committed. 

Music is something that I love.  I love really listening to the words and understanding them.  My perspective has changed since Carsen’s death.  Songs that I liked, but really didn’t relate too now have a new meaning.  Some songs that I have heard a million times didn’t even come to mind until I heard them and then they hit me like a ton of bricks.  “One More Day” by Diamond Rio is one of those songs.  I didn’t even think of it.  I heard it one day while listening to country music and it was exactly how I felt.  I just needed one more day, but after that I would need one more and then one more.  “One more day” would never be enough.  I needed my lifetime with my son.  But I will get eternity, but once again this limited human perspective can’t wrap my head around that this is a short time.  It has been 2 months and it already feels like an eternity.  I just want one more hug.  One more kiss on my cheek.  An “I love you, mama.” But for now, I will just have to remember that wonderful boy who was never afraid to tell his mama he loved me and give me a hug and kiss, even in front of his teammates and being a tough teenage boy.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to turn off the electronics as much as possible.  Hug more, say I love you more, kiss more, talk more, snuggle more and talk more.  We all know that life can change in a blink of an eye, but it wasn’t ever going to happen to me.  Not my story.  This only happens to other people.  Well, it happens to other people and my people.  You don’t get to choose.  You don’t get to opt out.  So, take that “one more day” you have and love your family.  Hold them even when you want to kick them. 

One More Day -- Diamond Rio

September 5, 2018

I let my kids ride the bus to school.  I feel lost.  It has been around 10 years since I haven’t driven a child to school.  And Carsen didn’t have the option of riding the bus since he was on a boundary exception.  So, every morning we would have to out the door by 7:10 to make it to Safford.  All for soccer.  Some parents called me nuts (and they are right on the mark) for driving him that far just to play his sport.  But I sure miss those drives.  We would talk some mornings other mornings we would just drive and not much was said.  I can’t say that all our conversations were in depth, but a lot were.  I loved the relationship we had.  We could talk about anything and we did.  I know he didn’t share everything with me.  He was 15 after all.  But he would ask questions and tell me about things.  I miss that so much.  Even the questions about sex.  And yes, there were embarrassing questions about that.  But I am so grateful he trusted me to ask me about it.  I also miss our questions about religion.  He was going through the teenage, “is this all true” “is a mission right for me” “what if all the girls are married before I get back” stage.  But I do know we knew that there was a Heavenly Father and he believed in our Savior.  So, as a mom that was enough for right then.  You worry that you didn’t teach them enough or you didn’t set the right example.  But little promptings have told me he gets it now and he is happy.  Who knew letting your 2 youngest children ride the bus would cause such emotion.  But then one minute I am ok and the next I am crying.  It doesn’t take much.  It is amazing how you can decide to be happy and be happy, but still be sad.  It is possible, and I am finding that that is ok too.