September 5, 2018

I let my kids ride the bus to school.  I feel lost.  It has been around 10 years since I haven’t driven a child to school.  And Carsen didn’t have the option of riding the bus since he was on a boundary exception.  So, every morning we would have to out the door by 7:10 to make it to Safford.  All for soccer.  Some parents called me nuts (and they are right on the mark) for driving him that far just to play his sport.  But I sure miss those drives.  We would talk some mornings other mornings we would just drive and not much was said.  I can’t say that all our conversations were in depth, but a lot were.  I loved the relationship we had.  We could talk about anything and we did.  I know he didn’t share everything with me.  He was 15 after all.  But he would ask questions and tell me about things.  I miss that so much.  Even the questions about sex.  And yes, there were embarrassing questions about that.  But I am so grateful he trusted me to ask me about it.  I also miss our questions about religion.  He was going through the teenage, “is this all true” “is a mission right for me” “what if all the girls are married before I get back” stage.  But I do know we knew that there was a Heavenly Father and he believed in our Savior.  So, as a mom that was enough for right then.  You worry that you didn’t teach them enough or you didn’t set the right example.  But little promptings have told me he gets it now and he is happy.  Who knew letting your 2 youngest children ride the bus would cause such emotion.  But then one minute I am ok and the next I am crying.  It doesn’t take much.  It is amazing how you can decide to be happy and be happy, but still be sad.  It is possible, and I am finding that that is ok too.