For
the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and
will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy
Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the
atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek,
humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord
seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
The
Book of Mormon
Since my son’s
death, this has been the scripture that has continually gone through my
mind. I always thought that this scripture
was talking about not sinning and that sort of thing. But since that awful day, I have come to realize
that this scripture is talking about so much more.
When your
child dies you think of all the things he will miss out and in turn you will
miss out on. Because of some very sacred
things that happened the week of Carsen’s death, I know that he is happy, and
all is well with him. Me on the other
hand, not so much.
Sunday night
we attended an Eagle Court of Honor for one of his friends (our families are
good friends). I knew it would be hard
but didn’t realize how hard it would be and how that affect me. In only the style of the young man that was
honored, it was short. We left right after
the amen. We bolted is a better way to
put it. I cried the whole 5-minute drive
home and the crying continued and off for over 24 hours. I felt cheated. I would never see my son receive that
honor. He was just starting the paper
work for his project. I was mad and so
many more emotions. The next day I could
only wear my contacts for about 4 hours (and that was pushing it) due to how
dry my eyes were. Who knew they could get
so dry with so much moisture coming from them.
Now please understand that I am so proud of the young man who received his
Eagle. He worked hard and earned that
honor. And he is amazing young man. But my mama heart broke all over again and it
started an avalanche of all the things I am going to miss out on. Once again, this scripture came to mind. I am looking at this with my earthly natural eyes. Not from an eternal perspective. If I looked at it with eternal eyes, then I
would see all the things I won’t miss out on and what really is important. An Eagle rank is important, but he is earning
a different Eagle rank. A mission is
important, but his mission is just different (I will post about that tantum
another time). School dances are
important, but they really aren’t be all, end all things we make them out to
be. Soccer (or whatever sport you love) is
important, but he is just playing in a different way. And I do believe he is with his teammates a
lot of the time. They weren’t just friends,
they had a brotherhood and support each other.
So many things that I feel cheated on I have to change my perspective
and realize I have not been cheated. It
will not happen over night and I am pretty sure will take the rest of my life
to change. But for now, I must be content
with the fact that Carsen is happy and is doing amazing things on the other
side of the veil. But that doesn’t
change the fact that I just need to cry.
Two songs that sum up this week were songs people sent me. And both are truly profound and spot on.
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